Insecurities they say, are born once your heart gets broken. Somebody once wrote that insecurity is an orphan feeling that has little or nothing to do with reality.
When NJ decided to end it between us, I easily let go. NO! I didn't doubt myself. Lagi ko ngang biro sa mga kaibigan ko, wala akong inggit sa katawan. ANG GANDA KO EH! hahahaha.... Yes, i always try na huwag mainggit. Nakamamatay kasi.
I didn't write anything about Sonny. Because Aris already told the story of our first date as boyfriends in his post Happiness. During our first week as boyfriends, Sonny went to Butuan City for a research paper contest. He stayed there for four days. While he's away, something inside me stirred. Not longing. I didn't know what it was. A picture of that bitter smile NJ gave me the night of the break up flashed in my head. Then the questions.
Why did he decide to end it up with me?
Was I not good looking enough?
Was I not smart enough?
Then the paranoia kicked in. What is Sonny doing now? Is he behaving? What if the other applied physics students in the contest are as cute as him? He's got his own hotel room and what if?......
A week later, I was seated in front of my friends. Like how one of them had put it...
"nothing justifies cheating, but it could be a symptom of something else. we need to know why you did it..... but it's a good thing you're remorseful about it."
It doesn't matter now. I got scared alright. I was probably looking for validation. I wanted to feel secure. That even if Sonny left me, okay lang. Marami pang iba, na magkakagusto sakin. Lame excuse, I know. Pero hindi mo pa ba naranasan yung makaramdam ng ganun? But as I have said, it doesn't matter now. Wala na kami ni Sonny.
Insecurity is probably just an orphan feeling. I can't remember now when i decided to adopt it. But I'm certain I want to get rid of it. SOON!!!!
* artwork by Steve Walker
20 comments:
"nothing justifies cheating, but it could be a symptom of something else. we need to know why you did it..... but it's a good thing you're remorseful about it."
hugs. maganda ka naman eh! kaya mo yan
it seems, behind the rational process, your unconscious is trying to say something... it may be easier to say "it doesn't matter now" but since it was YOU cheating, whether or not you are together with him, YOU are still with YOU.
@ Herbs... thanks Herbs...
@ Lance... i'm really greatful i have friends who are very supportive (not on the wrong-doings though)... they didn't judge me at all, they just tried to help me figure out what's wrong.... they kept my sanity intact when i was about to lose it....
and yes, it was me. so i guess i will have to live with that....
ay ang emo ahahaha..
andito lang kami. sagot mo inuman nga lang. pop!
Andami kong validations sa entry mong ito. Thanks!
I agree with you, the moment a guy leaves us, una nating iisipin, panget ba ako? Or ano ba kulang sa akin? It runs across the spectrum. Kahit yata ang pinakagwaping sa atin at pinakamaganda ang katawan ganun ang unang iisipin kapag nilayasan ng lalaki.
Then there's the attempt to feel good. Kaya siguro nauso ang quickie at SEB dahil sa ganito. Trust me, the wilder I am in Malate, the stronger my insecurities are. Kapag all of a sudden eh biglang babae ang nilandi ko dun, or I mingle with the effem crowd and just talk to them, or just dance without looking for a partner or never entertaining one, it means i'm not seeking anyone's affirmation.
Guess the reason why I try my best not to let attachment get in the way is because I learned that without the need to feel, i am liberated from the thought of wondering what others see in me.
Yj: teh, alam ko na ang ang regalo ko sa yo sa pasko.
g.c. sa mercury drug.
for 1 year's worth of caladryl.
* hug na mahigpit - marami pang isda sa dagat ;) *
its important that you are not judged since that just reinserts you into good/bad-right/wrong which is not really helpful to anything. i was not judging you or moralizing about what you did. i think what you did was significant.
i was trying to point out that the whole experience seems to be an enantiodromia -- that your unconscious was compensating for a highly one-sided attitude on your part by producing an opposite against the wishes of the conscious mind: a form of self healing. cheating was a solution to heal not the problem!
i was suggesting that you not dismiss this help or communication from your unconscious as 'it doesn't matter now' because the whole experience has really nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. he may be gone but your unconscious's impulse to heal you will persist until you are healed.
"you are still with you." the most beautiful five words i have read in months.
i think the worst is over for you, jeff. let's talk about this more over coffee. :)
insecurity is a form of fear. and quoting Yann Martel in the Life of Pi, fear nestles in your mind like gangrene; it seeks to rot everything.
yeah, get rid of it.
If I'm not mistaken, I know where that quote came from, from a drunk girl perplexed with her own lovelife, and while she was saying that, I had no idea you were taking note of it hahaha.
Relax, masyado masikip panty mo.
i'm super relate =) i've had so many cycles of this. isa lang masasabi ko: 'keep yourself busy'
they say 'idle mind is the devil's playground' and the devil's game is paranoia & insecurity.
kaya yan friend! =)
alam mo na kung anong dapat itawag sa post na to. haha!
insecurities? hampasin ng ostrich! yipeeee!
@ Dabo... alam ko naman na lagi lang kayong nanjan para sakin... and for that i'm truly grateful...
@ Galen... sobrang bigat talaga sa pakiramdam na bigla mong pagdududahan ang worth ng pagkatao mo kapag naiwan ka.... inom na tayo at sumayaw nalang ng walang humpay sa malate hahahahaha
@ Ternie.... ahahahaha kung GC ang ibibigay mo, bakit caladryl pa ang bibilhin ko, eh di condom at KY jelly nalang.... blep.... hihihi... hug din kita friend... muahz
@ LOF... no, i didn't think that you were judging me... ikaw pa, eh sa lahat ng taong nakilala ko, ikaw ang pinaka rational mag-isip hehehehehe.... like Herbs, minsan hindi ko lang talaga alam kung ano isasagot sa comment mo, nosebleed lang talaga hihihihihihi and thank you, LOF... as in.....
@ Viktor... i know... pano, bangag pa ako nung nabasa ko yung comment ni LOF at Herbs kaya hindi ko nanaman naintindihan hahahaha
@ Maxwell... i'm trying hard... ayoko ng ganitong pakiramdam...
@ Glentot... ibang quote yata tinutukoy mo friend... pota ikaw yata ang masikip ang panty ngayon... ay sorry, hindi ka pala nag a-underwear hahahahaha
@ Mksurf... kaya nga non-stop ko nang iniisip si Jacob ng New Moon ngayon eh... para wala akong ibang naiisip... at pasasaan ba't lilipas din toh.... thanks po....
@ Chicomachine... buti nga may ostrich ako ngayon.... sobra niya akong pinapasaya..... nakakalimutan ko ang mga problema.... :)
I tried and failed so many times I wonder if I'll ever try again. For every time a loss occurs, my heart bleeds another wound. Each time a cycle ends, I am left with questions whether or not I was worthy of what transpired.
Insecurities have led me to a lot of the things I am trying to work on now. It is deceptive and betraying. The internal devour almost debilitating. Back then, I had the assets to play around and momentarily gain my sense of self-worth from total strangers.
I don't have that anymore.
What I have are my words. And the silent reminder that those things did happen. And still, I am here.
Don't worry. It can only go up from here. At isang kahang beer. Hehe.
I tried and failed so many times I wonder if I'll ever try again. For every time a loss occurs, my heart bleeds another wound. Each time a cycle ends, I am left with questions whether or not I was worthy of what transpired.
Insecurities have led me to a lot of the things I am trying to work on now. It is deceptive and betraying. The internal devour almost debilitating. Back then, I had the assets to play around and momentarily gain my sense of self-worth from total strangers.
I don't have that anymore.
What I have are my words. And the silent reminder that those things did happen. And still, I am here.
Don't worry. It can only go up from here. At isang kahang beer. Hehe.
pinag usapan na natin ito at alam mo na ang comment ko...
:)
pero...
jusko insecure ka pa sa lagay na yan???? hiyang hiya naman kami sa iyo?!!!! leche ka! hahahaha!
Love! that is the true face of love. sometimes it hurts, but if you believe on the positive side it will always awesome and great to be inlove..
I hope you get rid of it. :-)
"nothing justifies cheating, but it could be a symptom of something else. we need to know why you did it..... but it's a good thing you're remorseful about it."
uy! ako to ha! hehe
normal lang naman na maging insecure after a break-up. pero teh, alam mo naman ang ganda ganda mo. haha my one and only gender bending friend. :D
@ Red the mod.... thanks for finding time to drop by my site.... and thank you more for your words of encouragement.... oo nga... shot na...
@ RJ... i hope so too.... :)
@ Nyl... minsan nakakalimutan ko na kung gano ako kaganda hahahaaha echoz, alam mo naman kung gano ako kafeelingera.... true... para ngang mas gusto na lang ulit kumabit sa mga boylets na may asawa na.... sigh....
@ Wiwik.... oo, diyosa man naiinsecure parin ahahahahaha joke... alam na alam ko na comment mo.... parang panatang makabayan lang, isinapuso, isinaisip at isinadiwa ko po.... hahahaha
@ Tim... yeah i guess, it was love after all.... yun nga lang, the wrong kind of love.... :(
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